Let's start with a story, shall we?
When I first moved to Cleveland I was a (newly) single 20-something, working hard and playing hard all the while trying to settle in and make new friends. I was blessed, as this was something I was able to accomplish fairly quickly. One of my best girlfriends decided, without letting on, that she was going to introduce me to a friend of hers from high school because she thought we'd be a good match.
Success...or so we thought.
After about 2 weeks and seeing each other, oh, maybe 4 times, we lost interest in one another. A couple weeks later, when I realized he had a CD of mine, I texted him to see if I could get that back. Thinking I was angry, he picked up the phone and called.
In discussion he gave some lame excuse for not calling, something about not wanting a girlfriend right now and blah blah blah. But he was surprised by my response, "I didn't call you, either."
::SILENCE::
He processed this...
It had been 2ish weeks and neither of us attempted to contact the other. If that doesn't scream mutual disinterest I don't know what does.
Further into the discussion we agreed that we're not right for each other on a romantic level, however, we both enjoy hanging out so why not continue on as friends?
Great idea! You can never have too many friends.
Regardless of the fact that we only get together once every other month (at the very most) we've remained friends - I've even tried to hook him up with friends of mine from time to time.
What's the point of this story, you ask? Well, I alluded to an uncomfortable situation in a previous post involving the man friend and an ex - well folks, this was him. We've been attempting to get together for a while now and this was the first weekend we were both free and in town.
So, being a
At the time, it didn't seem like a big deal - the man friend knows the whole story of me and this friend and he's been super understanding of my abundance of male friends (what can I say, I'm a lucky girl).
Of course, as all y'all out there can imagine, awkwardness ensued. Looking back, what a bad idea this was - not to mention a pretty shitty first impression involving some of the most important of friends.
Yikes.
This all ties back to the debate that I've been having with a few close friends these past couple months. Is it possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex in your 20s?
Now, I'm not talking about those friends that go way back that you've been friends with since high school or even before - I'm not talking about the BFFs of the world - I'm referring to newly acquired opposite sex friendships in your 20s.
Can a man and a woman of the opposite sex meet in their 20s and have a strictly platonic relationship?
I think yes, but lately signs have pointed to no - given the recent influx of male friendship disappearance.
So what do you think - can us 20-somethings live peacefully with friends of the opposite sex, or is there a sexual tension there that just can't be ignored?
Do any of you have friends of the opposite sex that are just that - friends and nothing more - or are there twinges of hope that one drunken night something might happen to change all that?
Cheers!
-A
13 comments:
I have a lot of friends that I think of as "just" friends - I think it is possible to keep that up within that friendship. The problem is less between those two individuals but the people they try to date. If I was dating a girl and she said she was going out for drinks with some guy I would be pissed - yet I know that I can go out for drinks with a lot of my friends that are girls and not worry about bumpin uglies later.
I think it is difficult also to be newly acquainted with the opposite sex, unless of course they are batting for the same team as you. Most of my close guys friends are ones that I have had since high school or early on in college, and many are those that a short romance may have transpired but now we can look back and laugh. I haven't had much luck making new guy friends as one of us involved was mostly like sexually attracted to each other and that is why we would have talked in the first place. I think its particularly hard too if you are in the same industry as there seems to be some sort of strange competition thing there.
I think it's like the classic When Harry Met Sally dilemma, which is nicely summed up here: http://www.laddertheory.com/.
Guys and girls in their 20s can really only be true friends when there's a barrier to entry in the sex department. And inevitably, as we get older, even with our closest guy friends from college and high school, we'll either become great friends with their wives/significant others or the friendship will dissolve. I mean, think about it, how many close guy friends does your mom have? I think your 20s is the turning point where friendships with the opposite sex start to become much more difficult to maintain.
I have a lot of guy friends that are definitely just friends. Absolutely no romantic interest what so ever. I do think that once those guys get serious girlfriends our wives that it could get awkward only because women tend to get jealous of their man's women friends.
I motion Ashley replaces the phrase "man friend" with the traditional phrase "boyfriend." I don't like the way "man friend" sounds. It sounds sort of creepy. All those in favor say "aye."
narm - this is the same boat I'm in. I know what my intentions are, and typically know the intentions of my male friends, but I too would wonder about a significant other out with a female friend.
jennie - you're so wise. it seems we often have the same luck with these types of situations. *sigh*
kelly - very true - if your friends are married and you're friends with the spouse, then your golden.
miss merry - there have been too many times to count where I've been shut out by the girlfriend.
jamie - many bloggers refer to him as boy toy, I do not find that much better.
Yeah, I think its totally possible to be just friends.
You just have to be mature, thats all.
i think it is totally possible for guys and girls to be friends in their 20's. i have plenty of guy friends that i have never crossed that line with.
and i'm sorry but narm's comment is kinda BS. he can go out with his friends that are girls but he'd be pissed if his girlfriend went out with her friends that are boys?
I'm with Alexa. Narm - you can't have it both ways, that's what girls do best.
I have a lot of guy friends and I don't really want to have sex with any of them. It can be done.
It get complicated I think. I have always been one of the guys. Always had men to turn to when I needed something to get done.
However, once I got engaged I have watched these great friendships dissolve into nothingness. Some because they hoped that one day I'd turn to them to warm my bed others because they felt uncomfortable being good friends with another man's wife.
It's really weird. I always thoguth that me and my guys would be BFFs but alas! Its just didn't turn out that way...
While you are single it works great but get close to being a Mrs and it seems to be hands off.
Ugh.
hIt definitely can be done. Everyone has made valid points about how it really depends on the significant other (SO). What it really depends on is you and if a SO is involved it also depends on your relationship with that person.
Lets start with the single version. If your single and your making friends with the opposite sex there is generally a motive behind it. Notice I said generally. Most people make friends with others out of a higher interest, whether it be networking to get a good job, maybe you have the same interests and you don't have anyone else to partake in that interest with you, or you want a shot at hooking up with that person because they are attractive and you haven't gotten any in awhile. I believe it depends on your motive and what your trying to get from that person. Naturally if your both single, get along great, and are attracted to each other in anyway, why should you not let it progress into a romantic relationship. If there is something that is stopping that then you can still be friends especially if they agree with you. You'll never know this if you don't talk about it though. So communication is the key.
If you or the other person has a SO the rules get a little more complicated. Everyone has different levels of trust. Depending on how long you have been together and how strong the relationship is will depend on if you can have both a SO and a newly aquainted friend of the opposite sex. First and foremost you have to be honest. Mostly you have to be honest with yourself. Like I said in the single version there is almost always a motive for being friends with someone. Make sure you figure out what that motive is. One of the first things you must do is introduce your SO to your new friend. This will show that your not hiding anything from anyone. Your SO will know you have made a new friend (NF) and your SO will be able to judge the NF without having to rely on only what you tell them. Your NF will now be aware of your SO (if he or she wasn't already), and now your NF will know the SO is real actually a real person. So the ground work has now been layed for success. Maybe... The best thing that could come from this, maybe I should say easiest thing that could come from this is that your SO and your NF will also become friends which will make life easy. Most likely their friendship will hinge upon your friendship. So it all depends on how good of friends you are or become. If for some reason your SO and your new friend aren't fond of each other; this is where you must make some decisions. Generally it will be the SO that doesn't like the new friend, possibly because they feel threatened by the new friend. The SO may feel like the NFcan give you something they can't. If this isn't the case you need to reassure your SO that it's not. If it is the case then your SO needs to understand what it is. This could be a million things. If it has anything to do with sex your screwed. If your NF is just more fun to be with then you need to re-assess your relationship with your SO. Maybe you should be dating your NF. If your NF doesn't give you everything you need that your SO can give you then maybe you need to just be friends with both and find someone entirely new. It's all about trust. If you don't trust your significant other to go out with someone else of the oppisite sex you have much larger issue to work on. I have had plenty of "girlfriends" where there is no sexual desire what so ever. A friendship may start out as an attraction and it may even be mutual. There is point that you must relize you can only be friends as to not jepordize an already current significant relationship. If you don't care if you jepordize it then you're already screwing yourself and your significant other.
I don't know if your understanding me at all but I hope so.
Ok lets use me for an example, it'll be easier. I'm 25 and had 3 significant ralationships. All my relationships have been longterm and with mutual breakups. Well, maybe not mutual, but I'm an optimist and find good in everything (this is also my downfall in life). All have been great and during all of my relationships I have had plenty of girls as just friends. The new "girlfriends" we're not the downfall of any of my relationships though. I have made many new "girlfriends" while I was in a significant relationship. I have always introduced my "girlfriends" to my girlfriend. Generally we would hang out as a group until they were comfortable enough with eachother that my girlfriend didn't mind me going out with my new "girlfriend" alone. If for some reason you have a problem with your new "girlfriend" and girlfriend hanging out with each other then your the one that has a problem, likely because your attracted to the new "girlfriend" and you don't want your girlfriend to find out. The problem with that is, she will find out. I've never had a "girlfriend" vs. girlfriend issue. Mostly because they become friends. I've even have the case that when my significant relationship ends the 2 girls stay good friends. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Then again I'm also a guy who doesn't care if my past girlfriends were to meet each other or to meet a new girlfriend. If you live your life and relationship with nothing to hide then you'll golden.
I know it was long, but thats what I think. Yes I'm crazy for thinking the world can use logic, but then again..."all is fair in love and war"
I'm married so my comment may not count... but either way, I've found that things are a little weird with guys for me now. It's like we're friends but as soon as they start flirting at all, I backoff completely. It's kind of made it so I have my husband and girl friends. Oh well.
matt - agreed. I'm not sure what I'd do without my closest male friends.
alexa - me too, though I've also had a handful that thought it okay to try and jump that line.
allison - that's exactly my stance.
random - I can only imaging how many friends would fall off the map if I got engaged...
joe - impressive comment. makes complete sense, but I still think it comes down to the individual - going to be different for everyone.
playful - glad to hear it from someone who is married...but it does scare me a little.
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